Life lessons from a small town! Dear Fear: Blog number 6

Dear Fear: Blog Number 6

I read a fascinating article in a Sunday magazine by a lady called Carolyn Jess-Cooke, who's a renowned author, who has used writing as a therapeutic tool to deal with lifelong anxiety and depression, following a traumatic childhood. It really shouted out to me, inspired and moved me. I read it at just the right time, as I was dealing with changes and fear in my life and getting back into writing again as a way of expressing myself. I could really relate to her feelings and her confusion. I too had a difficult childhood and teen years which included almost constant terror of my father, a feeling he didn't love me (in fact he was incapable of loving anyone, and certainly not himself), and a feeling I somehow wasn't real, wasn't valid, wasn't worth anything.

It left a legacy of depression and anxiety for me also, of huge self doubt at times, and very low moods. Of relationships with emotionally unavailable men; liars, sociopaths, or just insecure and uncertain of themselves. The couple of men who probably did really love me, well, it was hard for me to believe, plus they weren't strong enough men for me to be able to surrender my fear of trusting and feel truly cared for unconditionally.

Back to Carolyn and the idea she showed me; she advised writing a letter to a strong emotion you're feeling. I loved this, it glowed like an inspirational light bulb for me. Emotions are our friends; they need to be acknowledged and loved, but not allowed to rule over us if they're not serving us well by holding us back. So I sat down and I wrote to my old friend – Fear. I hope you like, and maybe it will inspire you to express in some creative way too.

Dear Fear...

I've had enough of your headfuckery

You isolate me and rob me of joy

Insert doubt and panic into my cells

You infect like a virus, like a disease

Infiltrating heart and soul

Getting into my bloodstream

Hijacking logic and reason

And what do I actually get out of your presence?

Procrastination

Insomnia and bad dreams

Crippling terror and an ache in the gut

An inability to see beyond the fear

An inability to enjoy the moment

You descend upon me suddenly like a cloak

A black cloak of doom

That's weighted and hard to shake

You whisper things like...

But what if..?

I'm just not good enough...

What will they think of me..?

Yet I understand

That you are trying to help me

Trying to keep me safe

But, like an overbearing mother

You are not helpful in the long run

You merely disable me

Clipping my wings

And stopping me from flying

I want to soar, soar high

Full of courage, joy and spirit

Goodbye Fear

You've done your job for now

Because right now,

It's time to live.

It's oddly intimate sharing poetry! Here's to personal courage...

Much love, always,

Karen xxx