Blog number 7: Scream, shout, blog it all out!

Boy, I've gone through a gamut of negative emotions tonight; I've wanted to scream and shout and run away from my life (in fact I did do some shouting and swearing which is not ideal in front of my daughter, but trust me, it was not planned, and we've all been there no doubt).

It's so strange because it's felt like surface emotion, as in, knowing deep down that things will be okay and are in fact okay right now, despite the tears and temper. And yet it's still so important to rage and express yourself in those moments, to recognise that anger is not a dirty word, but in fact a sign of hope; of wanting things to be better. Anger can propel us to do things, to want more. I always feel it's the polar opposite of depression, which constricts and binds you to slow you down.

So I thought I'd blog it out and see if I can do something productive with the emotions and frustrations. Productive in two ways; in terms of personal expression, and also in terms of putting real stuff out there because it might affect, influence or amuse someone else, or even inspire somebody with troubled emotions to write, or help them realise they are not alone in their frustrations.

I thought it might help to divvy up the things that are affecting me at the moment, to make it all clearer and not so much like one big clumpy mess. First and foremost, I'm grappling with daily chronic exhaustion, affecting energy levels, motivation and mood quite seriously at times. It ebbs and flows, and there can be stressors that make it worse but it's also without rhyme or reason at times. It makes no sense to me how I can be aching and paining for three days in places I've not exerted as far as I know, but then following a bit of walking, yoga etc, I feel not too bad. I can want to stay in bed for two days straight and not see anyone, and not be able to focus on much, following a wonderful weekend with people I really care about. Socialising can feel stressful because I feel I have to put a 'happy' face on when I just want to grump and slide about and mope and do what I want to do in the moments I want to do them. Sit and write with coffee at 1am, watch a film and cry, do internet research on sensitive subjects. Etc.

Fatigue makes you feel so selfish, which is hard when you're a caring, aware person.

The fatigue affects everything else; it's like a domino effect. It makes parenting my young child extremely stressful at times, and parenting a young child can be hard enough as all parents know. I want to be a loving, open, educational, fun loving parent, not a crying, slurring, lying down frustrated mess. I'm glad my daughter is old enough to understand that 'mummy gets tired' and she'll happily bring the Samsung tablet into the room and watch her cartoons cuddled up next to me, when I'm too exhausted to move. However I don't want her to feel responsible or like my 'carer.' It's so tough.

My fatigue has lasted around 8 years now, since I had my daughter by traumatic emergency section. I sometimes wonder if the two are related. Ironically it's made my insomnia and sleeping problems worse. You'd think fatigue made you sleep better, but oh no. You crash out when you need to, when your body gives you no choice, but you're still exhausted. I was put on oral chemo 6 months ago which is still very hard to talk about because I don't have a well known condition that people recognise. I have a rare, confusing chronic illness that even doctors cannot pronounce properly or agree on how it should be categorised.

To put it out there and spread awareness, I have a disorder/neoplasm called Essential Thrombocythaemia, which is basically where the bone marrow is producing too many platelets. It was diagnosed relatively quickly using blood tests and an unpleasant bone marrow biopsy (for which I'm grateful to our NHS – many people in America cannot get the tests needed, and have to pay for them themselves). It has clogged up my spleen causing it to enlarge, reducing my appetite. I've lost over a stone and a half in the last year. I look shockingly skinny in photos, despite convincing myself I still have a massive bum in reality.

My Haematologist claims “we don't call this cancer or the treatment chemo as it's unhelpful.”

My doctors are confused as to what this disorder actually is.

The World Health Organisation now classifies this condition as a rare, chronic blood cancer, NOT as a disorder. It feels so good to write all this, and I hope you can feel and understand my frustrations at the lack of one, single classification. Macmillan have been amazing for support. For months I was told I didn't have cancer, but am being treated on a cancer ward and I felt like a fraud. The main immediate risk of ET is of thrombosis (blood clots) and strokes, so the need to stay healthy, active where possible, and not smoke, are important. So I'm glad I began this journey in a healthy place where I was active and still am (as far as fatigue allows), a relatively healthy pescatarian, and have never smoked. I probably eat too much cake, but hey, we all have our vices.

It's now affected my financial situation, as I've had to stop working as a life coach. I'm really glad I made my Youtube channel and have a legacy of just over 200 videos behind me, with the aim of helping other people. Dealing with various benefits agencies and going down the disability route has taken weeks and weeks and will take more weeks to come; it's terrifying, uncertain, and nobody can seem to give you a definite answer regarding how you're expected to carry on paying your bills. All you can do is “make the claim and wait and see.”

There have been strange benefits to becoming ill. Maybe my positive attitude and desire to learn in life, has helped me pinpoint the positives. I had the urge to express and write again, and restarted my blog. I'd written one or two blogs last year, and wanted to make it a more frequent and immediate and emotional resource, a way of contributing to the world, to dialogue and to conversations. People started telling me how wonderful and expressive my writing was, which made me very, very happy. I live in the moment more, and enjoy and appreciate the little things. My prognosis is good, but I'll likely be on chemo for life, with a small risk of other complications from the treatment itself, and a small risk of illness progression. 

However for now there is a lot of joy and love in my life to counterbalance the hard stuff, and it's felt really good to document some of the bad as well as the good. I feel very blessed despite my struggles. I've been given a real incentive to get a lot of baggage sorted, and to release myself from situations that are hurting me.

I met the love of my life at the start of my chemo journey, after my medical realisations prompted me to finally end a long term toxic relationship with a person who was causing me great psychic harm. I have my illness to thank for that, as well as my own courage. My new love provided more care, support, patience, and unconditional love in the first few weeks of our dating, than the previous person ever did. He loves me throughout; with my face on, and without. With money, without. When I'm happy and laughing, or not. With thick hair, and after my hair thinned due to chemo and I asked my mum to chop it short. He told me he would love me if I were bald, because I'm beautiful inside and out, and that, Dear Friends, is the only type of person you want loving you.

Adam – I love you heart and soul.

Ellie – my beautiful, loud, creative and loving daughter: I'm so proud of you. Even when we drive each other up the wall.

I apologise for the length of this blog; it's really helped to get all this out. Hope you've been sat comfortably with a nice drink!

With love always,

Karen xxx

Life lessons from a small town! Dear Fear: Blog number 6

Dear Fear: Blog Number 6

I read a fascinating article in a Sunday magazine by a lady called Carolyn Jess-Cooke, who's a renowned author, who has used writing as a therapeutic tool to deal with lifelong anxiety and depression, following a traumatic childhood. It really shouted out to me, inspired and moved me. I read it at just the right time, as I was dealing with changes and fear in my life and getting back into writing again as a way of expressing myself. I could really relate to her feelings and her confusion. I too had a difficult childhood and teen years which included almost constant terror of my father, a feeling he didn't love me (in fact he was incapable of loving anyone, and certainly not himself), and a feeling I somehow wasn't real, wasn't valid, wasn't worth anything.

It left a legacy of depression and anxiety for me also, of huge self doubt at times, and very low moods. Of relationships with emotionally unavailable men; liars, sociopaths, or just insecure and uncertain of themselves. The couple of men who probably did really love me, well, it was hard for me to believe, plus they weren't strong enough men for me to be able to surrender my fear of trusting and feel truly cared for unconditionally.

Back to Carolyn and the idea she showed me; she advised writing a letter to a strong emotion you're feeling. I loved this, it glowed like an inspirational light bulb for me. Emotions are our friends; they need to be acknowledged and loved, but not allowed to rule over us if they're not serving us well by holding us back. So I sat down and I wrote to my old friend – Fear. I hope you like, and maybe it will inspire you to express in some creative way too.

Dear Fear...

I've had enough of your headfuckery

You isolate me and rob me of joy

Insert doubt and panic into my cells

You infect like a virus, like a disease

Infiltrating heart and soul

Getting into my bloodstream

Hijacking logic and reason

And what do I actually get out of your presence?

Procrastination

Insomnia and bad dreams

Crippling terror and an ache in the gut

An inability to see beyond the fear

An inability to enjoy the moment

You descend upon me suddenly like a cloak

A black cloak of doom

That's weighted and hard to shake

You whisper things like...

But what if..?

I'm just not good enough...

What will they think of me..?

Yet I understand

That you are trying to help me

Trying to keep me safe

But, like an overbearing mother

You are not helpful in the long run

You merely disable me

Clipping my wings

And stopping me from flying

I want to soar, soar high

Full of courage, joy and spirit

Goodbye Fear

You've done your job for now

Because right now,

It's time to live.

It's oddly intimate sharing poetry! Here's to personal courage...

Much love, always,

Karen xxx

Life lessons from a small town! Blog 5: New year, fresh start

Blog number 5: New year, fresh start?

Many people rave about new year resolutions and goals, focussing on a 'new me, new year' ideal, but here's a radical idea, what's wrong with recognising the good stuff in your life, regularly re-evaluating what's working, and carrying that over into every day, every month, every year?

It also works the other way; seeing what's sh*t, toxic, misery-making in your life (drinking too much, negative people you hang around with too much, being in a job you hate, miserable relationships that are dragging you down), and taking steps to either get rid of or distance yourself from the rubbish that isn't benefiting you, or making you sick or unhappy.

We're far more emotional than we realise; we get attached to crap things that are bad for us, like flies to mess. We should never assume that we can safely trust our choices without ever questioning them! Most of the reasoning behind why we do the things we do, is emotional, believe it or not. We carry out a high proportion of our daily habits on autopilot, and many of these are seemingly logical, but our reason for doing them in the first place is usually emotional; it makes us feel good somehow.

We get caught up in habits because they feel safe, familiar, not because they're logical. If we were logical creatures, why would we smoke or develop drug habits, or keep going back to that toxic ex even though we know how harmful they are to our sanity?

It's been shown again and again that people will only do things when they really want to, or there's a compelling enough reason to do or not to do the thing. There's two main reasons why we do things; to gain pleasure, or avoid pain. That's it really. New Years Resolutions seem the ultimate way to guarantee that you absolutely won't do something; it's the equivalent of a nagging parent or spouse telling us we must stop stuffing our face with pizza or we'll get fat. We know we'll get fat, but we don't really care because the need for pizza pleasure is too great!

Inspiration comes from all directions if we look for it, are open to it. It's really easy to be inspired when your eyes are open, and you use that desire to be better to, to create small goals for ourselves. Isn't it better to be progressing and growing daily, thus putting yourself in a really strong position for each year to come?

Do YOU believe in New Years Resolutions, or do you work on yourself regularly instead? Which works best for you?

Happy New Year all!

Much love, always,

Karen xxx

Life lessons from a small town! A change is as good as a rest...

Blog number four. Today's theme is 'A change is as good as a rest'

Did you know that working in a new environment triggers your creativity and you generally get more work done? Or that a change of scene can temporarily ease depression or feelings of 'stuckness?' Isn't that amazing? I used to think that familiarity was best, but now I'm learning the joy (and benefits) of a change of scene, even a very subtle change like working or studying in a favourite coffee shop or cosy corner of a pub as opposed to at home (if that's where you normally work).

I'm also constantly amazed how a small change of scene will usually trigger completely different thought patterns, perspectives and feelings. There have been times when I've been at home with negative thoughts associated with a tricky situation, and rather than staying physically stuck, I've moved my body somewhere new (generally with a nicer view, outside, and where I've been able to 'people watch') and watched an almost supernatural process unfold where my brain seems to be taken out of itself and allowed to think more creatively and positively!

Life Coach Tony Robbins has often talked about the importance of being aware of our physiology, especially whilst feeling low or negative. We tend to slump, fold inwards, close off our body language. The act of remaining physically 'open' allows for more effective breathing and flow throughout our bodies, enabling us to function properly in all respects.

Depression feeds on itself in a kind of vicious cycle, where we feel awful, so we reflect that by curling up, breathing more shallowly whilst anxious (which doesn't allow oxygen to the brain, hence strengthening the anxious feelings). We also tend to become immobile, exacerbating things further. We get physically paralysed and thus paralyse our progress.

When I learned the power of a small amount of physical exercise whilst feeling blue, the changes were quite incredible (I have suffered from depression on and off since the age of 10, so I am very aware of every aspect of this nasty condition).

So the next time you feel stuck, try a change of scene, even a small one. Try moving, looking at something different, finding an inspiring or funny video to watch. You'll be amazed at the positive changes it can help create. No bad mood stays the same forever.

If you're indoors, and the weather is okay (or even if it's not) go outdoors. Watch nature. Have a change of scene. Drink your usual coffee elsewhere. Take a book or some work with you.

I'm currently writing this blog upstairs on my bed, instead of downstairs in the lounge!

Try it and see. Happy transformation...

Love always,

Karen xx

The Difficult Third Blog: Being brave and soldiering on...

Life is wonderful and equally terrifying. It can throw up all kinds of amazing opportunities and revelations and sh*t storms. It can make you feel blessed to be alive one minute, and then quaking in your boots the next. Of course it's all part of the rich tapestry of life.

The blessing of having big scares is that they force you to look at your life and your values, and I mean REALLY look at what matters to you. Really evaluate what you love, who you need, what matters to you, what you want to keep.

The pain of loss, the fear of potential grief. It's a massive refresh for the system, a shock that reboots you, strangely enough. It can also be a good thing for getting you to course correct; to tweak aspects of your life slightly in order to align closer with your values, and with the life you truly want. In short; an event that messes with your head can be a blessing in disguise.

Distance and perspective are such essential parts of life for growth, yet we tend to overlook them by just not being aware of them, because of how caught up we are in the current drama. We often loathe what's happening to us when it's causing us to feel negative emotions. Hence we resent the experience rather than feel blessed by what it potentially could be teaching us.

Something I've learnt today from the wonderful teacher and life coach Tony Robbins, after watching another of his amazing seminars, is that those of us who have experienced deep spiritual pain and learned tough lessons, are often better equipped to channel that pain and learning into helping others. How wonderful.

So basically: thank goodness for the sh*t we went through! Thank goodness for pain! It makes us all the more compassionate, empathetic and wise. It gives us a purpose and allows us a creative well of experience to work from and use. We are all able to connect through our collective pain and suffering and life lessons, and come through it smiling and more connected to the world.

So the next time you're “going through it” remember to say to yourself 'I am blessed with my problems, they'll make me stronger, more knowing and able to teach others!' It sounds bizarre but it's true. Most success and drive and passion comes from pain, from a desire to either move closer to something or away from something. Let's use our pain for good rather than for bitterness.

Much love always,

Karen xx

When the colours get turned up

When the colours get turned up. Second blog!

Have you ever started on a journey walking somewhere, having been in a particularly precarious mood, and felt as if you were walking through a parallel universe or something equally surreal?

I have this odd and stunning experience every so often; it occurs as often as 'Deja-Vu' I suppose, and is just as unfathomable. I can remember the feel of it more than the specifics, its like everything that is familiar feels suddenly unfamiliar. The pavements, the people, the smells and the sounds. The colours around me are deeper, richer, and I feel inexplicably at peace, alive, and utterly connected with the world. 

I wonder if there's a word for this, and whether it's a normal part of life, or simply yet another symptom of a spiritually aware mind and overactive brain. Am I the only one? Do others experience these 'heightened' episodes?

As I continue on my journey of personal, business and spiritual enlightenment, I realise every day how very possible it is to elevate yourself out of the 'daily grind' and go open a few doors you may not normally have considered opening. The internet of course has made this possible for absolutely anybody, and it constantly blows my mind. 

No longer is enlightenment available only for the elite few who can afford it. Of course libraries are still a wonderful free resource too. Go join one before they all start replacing staff with machines, and books with computers (happening as we speak in my local library). The key is not to mourn and complain about these changes, but to go gobble up as many resources as you can. Accept the changes and make them work to your advantage. Go get!

Want to learn a new language? Be better at relationships? Improve an aspect of your life you don't feel confident in? Learn about something you have absolutely no knowledge of but have always been intrigued by? The resources are all around you, and often free. If you are vaguely techie with a modern phone, there are many free apps out there too, and Audible and Spotify are great for audio resources and podcasts (admittedly I've only recently learned what a podcast is, and oh what a joy its been learning to listen for fun as well as for education).

So get out there, dear friends. Your world is limited only by your own imagination and by your own willingness to try new things. 

Turn up your own colours. Turning up your own colours makes you a brighter person with a whole different vibrational field, and that in turn has positive effects on the world, on everybody you know and meet. On your children.

And don't forget to have fun in the process! Don't let anybody tell you you 'can't' do something. That says more about their own limitations than it does your determination and abilities.

Love Always Dear Friends,
Karen x

Life lessons from a small town! First Blog.

This week's themes are investment and determination 💗

Boy, have I learned some tough lessons this week. Firstly, let's touch upon investment. Now, I'm not referring to investments relating to money, stocks, shares etc, but investments in effort and time. I've learned the hard way (as all the best lessons are learned) that the time and effort you invest in other people should ABSOLUTELY correlate with how much time and effort they are investing in you. This relates to love, friendship and even business. If this were a game of chess, you would not be making ten moves to your opponent's one. And vice versa: their ten moves to your one move equally does not work. This mismatch of energies causes a huge imbalance and in fact makes the whole relationship unequal and buggers everything up, if not short term then indeed in the long term.
  
Some lovely simple lessons in relationship investment my dear friends: match their energy, match their moves, at least on average. If the person you are dating sends you a text, send one back in order to make a date. Don't send fifteen - it makes you look crazy. If you have emailed a query to a company, allow them to respond before you blow up their phone. 

Don't over-invest: it makes you look needy and greedy, and indeed that you are coming from a place of scarcity and fear, which is not a helpful mindset to attract abundance.

By all means, if the returns are shit, reduce your efforts and move on to the next one. A non-response can sometimes tell you all you need to know.

After all, as Louise Hay once taught me: if we all go down to the ocean for some water, do we all have to fight over what's available? Or is there in fact a never-ending supply of ocean? Hmmm, worth thinking about.

Going into situations grasping for dear life from a place of fear is a sure-fire way to lose out. Go into situations from a place of confidence and abundance, sure in yourself that you are high value enough to be deserving of someone's time; you'll be much more likely to come away with what you want. And if you don't get it first time? Meh, there's plenty more opportunities and plenty more of what you want out there, just waiting to fall into your grasp.   

The second lesson I learned this week is absolutely, no matter how much you are struggling with a goal or task, to NOT give up on that thing. If you get stuck, use your resources - read books, search on Youtube, or God forbid, ask people around you who know more about it than you do. (I wonder why we as humans generally find it so hard to be open about our weaknesses or ask others for help? Weirdly it seems to be considered as a weakness, yet my studies of some of the most successful people in the world, no matter what skill they excel in, have become masters in learning from those better than them. Basically, in accepting that you are NOT the best, it gives you massive scope to grow and to BECOME better, if not the best. Trust me when I say I have struggled with the basic technologies to the point where I regularly develop temporary tourettes and end up screaming in frustration at whatever inanimate object is 'failing' me at that precise moment. Tears often ensue. Which makes the act of 'not giving up' all the more delicious and worthwhile when you finally DO succeed at the task. Well done you! 

So to summarise: DON'T over-invest when you're not getting the returns, and NEVER give up on your dreams. Hope is what keeps us glowing, and pulls us through the mire.

Love always,
Karen x