I was walking along the
road, about to pick up my daughter from school, and I suddenly
thought to myself 'Where's my identity gone? Why has it changed over
the years? What IS identity and how is it formed?'
It seemed such a weird,
random question to pop into my head, but an important one too,
because it affects us all. Whoever we are, whatever our upbringing,
goals and personality, our likes and dislikes, however ambitious (or
not) we are, we all have an identity, and I imagine that for most of
us, that identity is tied in very strongly with what we DO in our day
to day life. How do YOU define yourself? How would you identify
yourself, and does it change day to day?
As I was walking along,
playing the role of MUM, I was feeling like a MUM. That was the role
I was identifying the strongest with at that moment. I have to say
that one of my favourite and most wonderful part of being a mum, is
the moment my daughter comes out of school, searches for me, and a
beam spreads across her face as she waves frantically. That feels
wonderful, fulfilling, inexplicably joyous. In that moment I'm a
mother, doing my job, looking after my daughter and making her smile. I belong at that school gate and I belong with her.
Parenting is only part of who I am.
I've only been a parent
for seven years though. Which means I've only identified with that role for that amount of time. What about before then? I have juggled many roles in my life – student, friend, daughter, employee, adviser, girlfriend, partner, wife, carer, housekeeper, cook, decision maker, coach, confidante, provider, customer. Etc.
When we meet someone new we
generally ask: 'What do you do?' We answer according to
where we are in our life at that time: 'I am a shop assistant.
Nursery Nurse. Administrator. Customer Service provider. Telephone
operator. Volunteer. Network Marketer. Entrepreneur. Blogger. Writer.
Mother. Disabled.' These things we do shouldn't
define us. Yet they seem to.
For example, a full time
salesman may feel very strongly identified with his professional
selling role whilst at work. He may feel like a HUNTER. If he lives alone, the selling may be
what he identifies with the strongest. However he may go home to a
wife and young children, and during that 'home' time he'll likely
become a PROVIDER and identify strongly (maybe even more so) with
those caring activities. He may become Father/Husband/A Broad
Shoulder. His identity may switch around depending on where he is and who he is with. It's now known that a man's testosterone levels drop once he becomes a father, preparing him for this different role.
Why isn't our identity more stable?
You would think that our
identity would be much more of a spiritual, constant one, regardless
of what we do. I Googled 'spiritual identity' and it mainly related
to religious aspects. Why does it have to be so specific? Isn't it
more important to know who we are deep down; to have good and
inclusive beliefs and values, in a 'whole self' kind of a way? To
have our unshakeable convictions that nobody else can shift?
Why does it matter too much
what someone does? Of course it matters a bit, especially if they
really are doing something that reflects who they truly are and what
they love. But isn't it more important to know someone's core values,
beliefs, passions? Why isn't the first question
we ask someone: 'So, what do you care about? What do you love
about life? What are your passions? What do you believe in?'
I think our identity evolves
over time. I even think that maybe as we get older and wiser, we
soften and relax into our identity as a whole. Now at 37 (nearly 38),
I feel much more relaxed with my sense of 'me,' and at my core I know
who I am and what matters to me, regardless of what else is going on
in my life.
I am at my core, loving,
childlike, introverted, conscientious, adventurous, nurturing, stubborn, silly, passionate, creative, and curious. And constantly evolving.
How about you?
With love AWAYS,
Karen xxx
With love AWAYS,
Karen xxx
