Why we need to be terrified!

My friends and I have a theory about scary, nasty films and why as kind, empathic people, we need to watch them.

We WANT to be scared; we NEED to be. Like a strange compulsion, like an itch that's impossible not to scratch. Don't get me wrong; I love 'romcoms' and I love to get absorbed in the beauty of Disney or in heartwarming dramas, and true stories of people overcoming obstacles. I'm a mum, and protective over what my daughter sees. I''m a generally positive person and I love to be inspired. But sometimes, when my soul goes to that 'dark place' and nothing else will do, I simply need to sit and be terrified, freaked out, uneasy, jumpy, even sick to the pit of my stomach. But thrilled too. And then gleefully tell my (probably) concerned partner all about it!

I'm having flashbacks of watching the Hellraiser films again recently, for the first time in around 15 years. The first one was made in 1987, and the effects were all pretty much practical, with almost no CGI. A bit of stop-start motion, and shed-loads of gore and grisly torture scenes involving hooks, chains and the pulling apart of body parts. Gross. Bleak. Yet the film also has an elegance, and a whole underground adoration scene going on. Clive Barker's story is fascinating and open to much interpretation; it's far from a typical 'slasher.' The 'monsters' are mainly the main characters who are human beings, particularly Julia, who agrees to bring innocent men back to the house in order to sacrifice them, so that their blood and bodies can help resurrect the body of her dead lover, Frank (her husband's brother). The demonic Cenobites in the film are more like impartial observers to humankind's need to hurt themselves and others, and in fact only torture those who have summoned them via the mysterious and beautiful puzzle box (in the earlier films anyway).

I remembered the first film being gory and disturbing back in my early twenties, but watching it again actually floored me; I couldn't stop myself grimacing, teeth and all! The degree of gore and sickening visuals, plus the emotionally disturbing story-lines shown, and alluded to, actually turned my stomach! I'd cooked a small pizza to sit down and watch it with - BAD idea! Yet I loved it. It's so strange how you can be a normal person who gives to charity, helps little old ladies in stores, and would never dream of engaging in real-life activities such as Devil-worship or murder, yet watching psychologically distressing films and t.v. series is a fun way to pass the time, especially with others who enjoy similar stuff.

I've spent years trying to figure out why this is. I read once about the 'fear' gene, and how people either get terrified of films or they don't. I read something else about the fine line between fear and sexual arousal, and I also had a very interesting conversation with another friend about how we 'bond' over frightening films. I've heard of that kind of thing before - 'trauma bonding,' but only related to crazy traumatic experiences or abusive relationships.

I also received some advice about horror whilst attending a mental health class that lasted 6 weeks, and had some valuable tips. I learnt that horror actually puts us into a trauma state - I wonder how many people who routinely enjoy horror films/books/podcasts, have some kind of trauma in their past? And we're comfortable in a weird way with this trauma, so we seek out those dread feelings again, and they satisfy us in some twisted way. I think that maybe we even feel some validation or safety within these 'fear' feelings and horror experiences - maybe it's some way of having horror 'outside of us' instead of inside us. If you think about it, there's no shame in enjoying horror - I've had many gleeful conversations about it with people over the years! Yet when we think of the trauma we've suffered in our own personal history (abuse etc) there's shame involved.

I was advised by mental health professionals to 'balance out' the horror I am irresistibly drawn to, with a bit more comedy and lightheartedness, etc. I remember arguing profusely, actually feeling panicky and defensive, trying to justify my preferences, but actually, it has helped, especially with my up and down moods and occasional depression. Stuff that makes me feel good and makes me laugh, IS going to lift my mood, whether I want it to or not! Though I do still regularly seek out terror in film form. And Netflix has become very formidable in terms of cutting edge horror ideas.

So maybe occasionally enjoying horror is an acceptable way to make the internal external, and to enjoy ourselves whilst munching on popcorn and hiding behind the sofa cushions or shrieking with friends as the axe-man/clown/demon appears on the screen...

Everything in moderation eh...?

Yours scarily,
Karen xxx

Do YOU love horror or hate it? What's your favourite format to enjoy it in? Let me know in the comments!

Blog 13: Viva kindness!

Ever noticed how the whole friendship structure has changed over the last ten years or so? In the good old days (oi! less of the 'old') we had friends, and we phoned them to arrange get-togethers and nights out. And we all mostly turned up, and had fun together, and that was the end of that story.

These days we can live such segregated lives; families scattered all over the country, The odd modern phenomenon of 'real' friends' and 'Facebook friends,' relying on phones and tablets for the bulk of our social interaction. It's almost as if we're losing the art of face-to-face conversation if we're not careful to practice and perfect it as an every day skill. I rarely have phone chats now even with my most beloved friends – it feels like a big commitment or an activity that needs to be scheduled because it takes up TIME. It's terrible! I need to just pick up the phone more! It's also so easy now to stuff our faces in our phones, to feel suspicious of others, afraid of muggings or attacks; easier to look down at the ground rather than - God forbid - to smile at a stranger.

It's much easier (and acceptable) to give a 'like' on Facebook or comment on somebody's post, than it is to take the time to have an ACTUAL telephone or face-to-face conversation. The fact is we need to preserve and nurture our real life relationships, and even convert online friendships into real ones (where it feels appropriate) where you actually meet, get to know each other, and connect. Consider this: how many of your Facebook friends do you actually KNOW?

For all our talk of 'connectivity,' for all our technological abilities, we have never as a nation and maybe even as a planet suffered so much isolation, depression and loneliness. Even my 8 year old daughter is more techie than I am, and I have to be very firm and disciplined with her in regards to watching cartoons on Netflix, hence I can easily lose her down the rabbit hole. How ironic eh? We can click onto our smartphones and speak to people from potentially all over the world, all walks of life, and yet, there is an epidemic of suicides and suicidal feelings, especially in younger people, and older men. It's so sad. How do we fix this?

To start with we have to 'be the change.' For example, if we feel lonely - try and reach out to someone in THEIR moment of loneliness. Message a friend who's going through a tough time. Buy a hot drink on an icy day for someone who is sleeping rough. If we're feeling sad and isolated, go to a place where we feel comfortable and relaxed, like our favourite coffee shop, and smile at the people who come in. Start a conversation with the girl who serves you; ask how her day has been. It's amazing how often people light up emotionally when somebody reaches out and is nice to them. In return, we feel better connected, AND we've contributed to the community in a positive way.

If everybody did this – wow, imagine the ripple effect. Kindness is a revolution that is spreading and gaining momentum, a rebellion against war and fear and negativity, and the self obsessed narcissism of social media.

Join the revolution! After all - it's cool to be kind...

Love ALWAYS,

Karen xxx